Things not to do...

When someone is in mourning or recovering from a loss, resist the urge to pull away from them. If it has something to do with them- don't hide it because you think they can't handle it, your lack of communication is worse than anything. Think about it, you just lost someone fear to you and you feel totally vulnerable. Your feelings are raw and exposed like muscle with the skin pulled away... Do you think in that situation you'd like to have your friends or your family pull further away from you? Treat you like a plague bearer? Drop you cold?
No, of course not.

So just take my humble advice- save it, because I promise you the mourner is in worse shape than they let on.

Alone

I wish I had someone to talk to about this... Every time I think about it all some kind of mental coin dozer just pushes the thoughts and feelings deeper and deeper back. I really think I'm stuck in a strange dream world where sometimes your still alive And grandma isn't managing to foul up any kind of memorial service you might have. It makes me sick to think of it, like Shes trivializing your life even further than she did when you were Alive.... It makes me mad and further adds to all this confusion I feel. I am so lost and I feel like now more than ever I need you... But isn't that how it goes?

Dreaming of you...

I keep seeing you in my dreams. Last night I was at grandmas and it was the usual turmoil, strife etc. You flew on pike a spirit, wrapped in flowing white robes, and you told me that you had taken a job painting or being painted.. It was 8 dollars or something more than something else.. That's why you weren't around anymore though... Not because you were dead, it was just a whole huge hoax after all .

I guess that's one of the stages ( finger quotes ) ... That you think it's probably all bullshit. I guess the romantic in me just still wants to believe she's alive and this whole thing is fake. I Remember when she came to me in the dream... I was so stoked that she was alive so she could come and live with us in our awesome house and our awesome yard and per our awesome pig. I guess that's why they're called dreams.

Too tired

I stay up until I'm foo tired to do much else. I play games on my phone or computer... Anything really to avoid a silent mind.

I've been alone this week, my partner has been out of town. My attempts to grieve have failed. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to do to grieve...act sad?cry? Be sad? I don't even believe it's true half the time... I still plan for when we buy the sweet house with a yard for the pig and a mother in law apt for mom... It's like it's all some weird sick test of my faith in my love for my mom...

"if you love her enough, she wont really be dead ..."

The cat sees her spirit, he's spotting her all over the house. He will meow to her and play with her energy but visually there's nothing there. Normally I'd chalk it up to weird cat behavior but he doesn't do that...or he never used to. It only started after she passed. She was in my dreams for a while. The witch shop lady said that was a first step for spirits before you could really contact them via medium... My issue is that I'm afraid I won't be able to find a medium I trust with this. It's almost like finding a good shrink. You can't just chose a schmuck offa the street.

Finally exhaustion.

Finally

I've been waiting to have enough desire to fond a blog app.. Most of my writing epiphanies are before or after I sleep. Finally did and here I am.
My mate is gone this week, off on a ski trip. Yesterday also happened to be my birthday. Thankfully I ok-Ed his trip...and had time to prepare. I tell ya... It would have been nice to have one of my surviving relatives call me. That's one of the many things I miss right there...My mom was apparently the only family member who cared enough to call me... It's so weird how much I didn't realize I was alone in this world besides her.

She was the one who called and sent birthday cards... And even though dad was never really one to do that it would have been nice to have that this year... This year is special.

crumpled

Yesterday, I spent the day sleeping. I had dreamless sleep. I realized I'm not excited anymore. I don't feel like anything is worth it. I'm not creative. I'm not exciting. I don't talk to anyone. I don't feel anything. I ignore my friends. I ignore my duties.

I am content to just fade into nothingness. Eventually, they are content too.

Turn up the volume.

Had a frighteningly lucid and painless conversation on sunday with Grandma... she only said the same thing 5 times this conversation, and interestingly, it was about expressing an interest in leanring more about me. I think she forgot her animosity for a day, because it was her 90th birthday. I actually called to wish her a happy birthday, good and dutiful granddaughter that I am...

I'm planning a 'super secret' memorial service with some of Mom's friends, because I was so aggrivated that grandma was taking over the memorial service plans and basically forcing things into a dull and homogenous yacht club experience.... Maybe I need to press more to get involved, maybe I need to be pushier. But in honesty, I just can't really do that right now. I'm through fighting and I'm through trying to plan things, because inevitably, I always get dissappointed.

If I do this gathering with Mom's friends, and my friends who remember Mom, it will feel so much better- so much more real. I'll go to the yacht club one, and I'll make nice, but I will really let my hair down at the one the cool kids are having.