Alone

I wish I had someone to talk to about this... Every time I think about it all some kind of mental coin dozer just pushes the thoughts and feelings deeper and deeper back. I really think I'm stuck in a strange dream world where sometimes your still alive And grandma isn't managing to foul up any kind of memorial service you might have. It makes me sick to think of it, like Shes trivializing your life even further than she did when you were Alive.... It makes me mad and further adds to all this confusion I feel. I am so lost and I feel like now more than ever I need you... But isn't that how it goes?

Dreaming of you...

I keep seeing you in my dreams. Last night I was at grandmas and it was the usual turmoil, strife etc. You flew on pike a spirit, wrapped in flowing white robes, and you told me that you had taken a job painting or being painted.. It was 8 dollars or something more than something else.. That's why you weren't around anymore though... Not because you were dead, it was just a whole huge hoax after all .

I guess that's one of the stages ( finger quotes ) ... That you think it's probably all bullshit. I guess the romantic in me just still wants to believe she's alive and this whole thing is fake. I Remember when she came to me in the dream... I was so stoked that she was alive so she could come and live with us in our awesome house and our awesome yard and per our awesome pig. I guess that's why they're called dreams.

Too tired

I stay up until I'm foo tired to do much else. I play games on my phone or computer... Anything really to avoid a silent mind.

I've been alone this week, my partner has been out of town. My attempts to grieve have failed. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to do to grieve...act sad?cry? Be sad? I don't even believe it's true half the time... I still plan for when we buy the sweet house with a yard for the pig and a mother in law apt for mom... It's like it's all some weird sick test of my faith in my love for my mom...

"if you love her enough, she wont really be dead ..."

The cat sees her spirit, he's spotting her all over the house. He will meow to her and play with her energy but visually there's nothing there. Normally I'd chalk it up to weird cat behavior but he doesn't do that...or he never used to. It only started after she passed. She was in my dreams for a while. The witch shop lady said that was a first step for spirits before you could really contact them via medium... My issue is that I'm afraid I won't be able to find a medium I trust with this. It's almost like finding a good shrink. You can't just chose a schmuck offa the street.

Finally exhaustion.