Finally

I've been waiting to have enough desire to fond a blog app.. Most of my writing epiphanies are before or after I sleep. Finally did and here I am.
My mate is gone this week, off on a ski trip. Yesterday also happened to be my birthday. Thankfully I ok-Ed his trip...and had time to prepare. I tell ya... It would have been nice to have one of my surviving relatives call me. That's one of the many things I miss right there...My mom was apparently the only family member who cared enough to call me... It's so weird how much I didn't realize I was alone in this world besides her.

She was the one who called and sent birthday cards... And even though dad was never really one to do that it would have been nice to have that this year... This year is special.

crumpled

Yesterday, I spent the day sleeping. I had dreamless sleep. I realized I'm not excited anymore. I don't feel like anything is worth it. I'm not creative. I'm not exciting. I don't talk to anyone. I don't feel anything. I ignore my friends. I ignore my duties.

I am content to just fade into nothingness. Eventually, they are content too.

Turn up the volume.

Had a frighteningly lucid and painless conversation on sunday with Grandma... she only said the same thing 5 times this conversation, and interestingly, it was about expressing an interest in leanring more about me. I think she forgot her animosity for a day, because it was her 90th birthday. I actually called to wish her a happy birthday, good and dutiful granddaughter that I am...

I'm planning a 'super secret' memorial service with some of Mom's friends, because I was so aggrivated that grandma was taking over the memorial service plans and basically forcing things into a dull and homogenous yacht club experience.... Maybe I need to press more to get involved, maybe I need to be pushier. But in honesty, I just can't really do that right now. I'm through fighting and I'm through trying to plan things, because inevitably, I always get dissappointed.

If I do this gathering with Mom's friends, and my friends who remember Mom, it will feel so much better- so much more real. I'll go to the yacht club one, and I'll make nice, but I will really let my hair down at the one the cool kids are having.

Stephanie K Meyers.

I spend a lot of time now thinking about how my grandmother hates me. Truly, undoubtedly hates me. She writes to me now, telling me about things to do with my Mom. And instead of referring to her as mom, she's Pamela Meyers. And instead of being 'Grandma', she's Stephanie K. Meyers. I'm not Emmy, or Emy or anything of the like, I too am now addressed by my full name.

When she's accusing me of things- having secret money, or being somehow totally well off, or when she's accusing me of being a terrible person or being nasty when I'm really just trying to work with her... I feel so stripped down and bare, like someones peeled away layers of my skin and the soft pink meat is showing through. It's painful, but not in your standard pain way- more of a feeling of stretching, burning heat.

People just tell me to ignore her, ignore this hatred, but in reality it's eating away at me and making me feel small. It's consuming me so much, and I feel like I can't battle it well enough to even begin dealing with my Mom's passing.

I start to think of mom, and I push it away. "Now is not the time to think about that". I'm actively trying to avoid grieving right now. I recognize that I'm doing it, but why? the only reasoning I have is that it's because I've gotten subconsciously good at compartmentalizing, and thus I'm hiding this away for now....for jsut the right time to sneak out back and feel lousy... but who really wants to devote time to feeling like poop, even though eeryone and eery book tells them that they need to allow for the grieving... am I going to get scarred for life if I don't face my grief?

All I know is that I love my Mom, and my nasty grandma is hurting me so much that I don't care if I ever see her ever again.