Goodbye mom

On January 31st, perhaps even the morning of Feb 1st my Mom passed away in her home in Rochester, NY. She was 57 years old and suffered from:

• MS
• Chrons Disease
• Hypertension (high blood pressure)
• Diabetes
• Sleep apnea
• Kidney deformity (she was only born with one)
• Heart issues
• Depression
• Hoarding issues (she was a level 5 hoarder)
• ...and stuff I didn't even know about.

My mom died so suddenly. And I haven't had time, or even the ability to process it. She lived in a house, packed to the rim with belongings, things she collected or bought, things she couldn't get rid of. She lived there with my Grandmother who will be 90 this year. Grandma suffers from the ravages of old age, she's mentally almost as functioning as swiss cheese but somehow can convince some people that she's still on top of her game. It's just not true.

I went to my Grandmother's house about 4 or 5 days after my mom passed away. I flew in, and immediatly was saddled with the insanity that is my current situation. The house reeked of piss and shit, there was no doubt in my mind that it was almost a biological hazard.

Who else was there though? My Aunt died when I was 23, my Grandfather when I was 13. Literally, theres just me and my Grandmother.

The three days I spent in that house were some of the most emotionally draining and physically challenging days in my life. I can't even remember what happened because I've blocked so much of it out, yet what I can remember is that my Grandmother is quite literally insane. She badgered me and pressured me, she pushed me and only remembered to call me by my name a few times. Most often I was Pammy (my Mom) or Joyce. (my Aunt).

In the end, I left the house early after a huge blow out with my Grandmother over finances. She didn't believe that I wanted to help her financially. She didn't believe that I wanted to look after her, she didn't understand that at her age she isn't capable of handling things, and that my dead Mom did everything for her.

So when I left, I gave her the choice. She could accept my help or I'd wait until she moved out or passed away to handle my mom's things. My mom left no will, my mom left behind nothing that said her things were mine- and so now, it's all in limbo. Until my Grandmother passes away, it's all in limbo.

So why do I have this blog. It's not here to make anyone pity me, its here so I can somehow figure out how to catalogue all this shit. So I can find a way to make sense of it all...